We’ll start with the good news and then get to the even-better news.
The good news: You make a better first impression than you think you do. You know those moments after you meet someone, when you cringe over your potential awkwardness? Research shows that you don’t need to do that. The person you just met liked you and enjoyed your conversation much more than you think.
In 2018, Erica Boothby, in partnership with other researchers, Gus Cooney, Gillian Sandstrom, and Margaret Clark, set out to understand how well people do at gauging their own likeability. The research study looked at pairs of people who were meeting for the first time in three different settings: a research lab, as attendees of a personal development workshop, and as first year dorm roommates. After the meetings, both participants were surveyed on how much they enjoyed the interaction and liked the other person and how much they believed the other person liked them. The finding, in short: People are more likeable than they think.
Routinely, participants underestimated how positively their counterparts rated the interaction. The researchers called the difference between a person’s estimation of how much another liked them and the reality, the “liking gap.” Notably the liking gap remained over several months, as demonstrated by the roommates included in the study, and was the most pronounced amongst those who considered themselves shy, although it occurred across personality types.
It might not surprise you that the liking gap stems from our natural tendency to fixate on our own perceived errors. The study’s authors wrote, “the liking gap exists not because people fail to signal that they like each other—in fact, the signals are right there for people to see—but, rather, people are too focused on their own self-critical thoughts to notice.”
According to the research, when we conclude an interaction, we immediately start evaluating ourselves. The study found that “people tend to compare themselves unfavorably with their ideal version of themselves…ruminate about the worst possible outcomes…and focus on the things they need to fix for next time.”
If we were to set this scenario at the workplace, you might think you came off as less informed about a project than you are, or that you seemed smug about your accomplishments, or worry that you blathered on about an unimportant detail.
It’s hard for us to see that others don’t have this same perspective on our faults, Boothby et al wrote. What we must remember is that not only are the people we meet not comparing us to an ideal, but they’re likely also cataloging their own perceived shortcomings.
Curious about the liking gap in the workplace and team interactions specifically, researchers performed a follow-up study. It confirmed that not only does the liking gap exist within organizations and teams, but it was, “strongly related to a range of important interpersonal, team and job-level outcomes.” These included a person’s willingness to ask for help and their comfort in communicating openly and honestly, which impact a person’s job satisfaction and effectiveness in their role. The study’s authors wrote, “The liking gap predicts important workplace outcomes... If only people knew, then, how positively their teammates actually felt about them, they might communicate better, feel more included on their teams, and be happier overall with their jobs.”
Easing the Effects of the Liking Gap
Which brings us to the “even-better” news promised earlier: Your awareness of the liking gap is a powerful tool.
By giving yourself a pass on perfection and opting not to fixate on your flaws or slips, you can rest-assured that your first impression (or early impression) was, in all likelihood, good enough. In addition to this info making you feel more confident, you can use it to develop relationships more effectively.
In an interview with CNBC, Boothby suggested easing the effects of the liking gap in the workplace by taking action. If you appreciated your co-worker’s conversation over a coffee, or you enjoyed meeting someone at a networking event, don’t wait for them—reach out! They too are likely underestimating how much you enjoyed the meeting and are hesitating on a next step because they feel vulnerable.
Your actions don’t have to correspond to a special occasion, either. If you enjoy working with someone or a group of people, tell them directly. Providing them with clear indicators that you appreciate their company and work, and you wish to continue developing the relationship, will make them feel seen.
Furthermore, during future interactions, try being more attuned to your partners, rather than fixated on your own perceived flaws. First, consider the signals that they are sending: Are they nodding? Smiling? Are they appearing open or physically closed off? What indirect signs are they providing about how they’re perceiving you or the conversation? Second, make sure you approach the conversation with genuine curiosity and interest.
Boothby, as a guest on The Hidden Brain podcast, described the power of asking follow-up questions in conversation. She said, “The research on social anxiety shows that if you go into a conversation with the goal of learning as much about your partner as possible, that shifts your attention from being focused on your own thoughts and what you might be doing wrong, toward being focused on your conversation partner.”
Understanding the liking gap—and actively closing it for others—makes for more meaningful connections.